When Life is Good, You Have to Learn How to Poop

8= the number of minutes it took to get from my house to President’s Street

7= the number of times I yelled, “go fucker!”

13= the number of minutes it took for me to get to hunt valley from President’s Street (17 miles)

1= the number of rocks that hit my windshield and took a nice chunk

1 million- how  many times I’ve laughed about it

 It’s amazing how switching a job can make you not care about situations that would normally make you want to punch a baby. It’s only been four days and I already feel like I’ve had a spa day, got laid, the Caps won the Stanley Cup, and I was on vacation all at the same time whilst simultaneously drinking from a magical hose with a never ending flow of buffalo sauce.  Happiness.

The job is great so far and if my only hang-up is the bathroom situation, and it is, things are good. You see, I’m not a big public pooper. FTS, known as Foreign Toilet Syndrome, is a crippling condition that I share with tens of other people all over the world. Suffice to say, I have a feeling that the people at the High’s (YES! Totally! I know! They still have them in Maryland) down the street are about to experience a jerky shortage. 

What I'd imagine Mr. High looks like and what comes to mind when I think of High's. (This is supposed to be a fucking caption, I'm learning the blogger app sucks)

I mean, I’ll have to purchase something every time I go in to poop.  The alternative? Stock in Immodium AD, or as I call it....preventative vitamins, is going to reach an all time high.

Anyway, being the good former Angelino that I am, of course I visit TMZ.com. You can never leave behind that special kind of sadness and that tragic set of charms that only comes from living in Los Angeles. I need to know what my celebrities are up to. I read this story not too long ago about Bette Midler getting a bad pedicure and getting an ingrown toenail or something. This was the picture to accompany the story. It was only then that I realized, Bette Midler actually looks like a fucking toe. 

I saw this recently too. What dope thought of this? If I wasn’t blind and could play video games, I’d definitely play Atari! “My friends tell me the graphics are the best.” This is how we know blind don’t  have true friends. Just people they think are their friends, but are just giant jerkasses. “You don’t need two people to play Atari 2600…or even two eyes.” I really hope the advertising genius behind this ad is blind and of course still really enjoys playing Atari.

I thought I’d leave you with an inspirational quote. You’re welcome. Enjoy all the different fonts. Blogger app=terrible, F!